I'm writing this as I'm moving through my own anxiety - its been like this for days but today feels like its coming to a boiling point.
See, Alice is frustrating; because no matter how much you know or how many tools you have. Sometimes, she's gonna show up whether you want her to or not...
Oh shit here we go again....
Alice is here and she's a force to reckon with it seems.
I can feel my inner vibration cranking up, my muscles are tense and preparing to fight.
My tummy is unsettled and I'm breathing harder.
I'm worried...about what? Couldn't tell you....but I'm freaking out about it.
Did I forget something? I hate forgetting.
Is someone mad at me? Probably.
I must have done something wrong.
I have a million thoughts but none that make sense, mostly just a flurry of random thoughts, worries, song lyrics (those are always there!)
Get it together Danielle...you have shit to do!!!
Deep breath - get grounded and back to reality.
Nope, we're back. Ok Alice....please settle down.
I'm shaky and I feel uneasy. Pacing.
Can't focus, can't sit still - I need to do something.
But what? I can't start anything, or finish what I start.
I couldn't even paint yesterday.
I'm agitated and short fused, over analyzing every text or interaction I have.
I can't stop fidgeting....ouuufff did I take my pills this morning? Yeah I did.
Just Alice.
Ughhh the pacing....like a lost squirrel.
DANIELLE - get it together...its just Alice.
I'm getting frustrated with her now.
I have things to get done and I'm paralyzed in worry - scenarios of my own imagining.
Feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on me. Its so heavy.
Take another deep breath - ground yourself .
Ok, focus. I need to do some work.
Buuuuut what if I'm still like this tomorrow?
I have to go to the office. Oh no, they will be able to tell for sure.
They won't think I'm capable if they knew I'm struggling.
Oh god....now I'm worried about tomorrow.
I'm spiraling. I can feel it.
Shit, shit, shit.
I can't do this right now, honestly.
Tried writing but I'm just stopping and starting. I keep catching myself staring off into space.
Ate some food, made some tea. Nothing.
Senses are in hyperdrive - my clothes aren't feeling right, my hands and feet are really cold now too.
My neck and back are hurting - bracing for the headache that will come soon.
I wish people knew how much you physically FEEL anxiety.
I wish people knew how you can feel it in every cell of your body - yet you see none of it when you look at me.
I wish they knew how it consumes and humiliates.
I wish they knew that no matter how many tools you have, sometimes you have no option but riding the wave.
This is when my imposter syndrome hits BIG time!
How dare I speak like I'm not on the verge of a panic attack right now.
And I want to influence others to recover? HA
And be a mental health advocate? I can't even get my poop in a group on a Monday afternoon.
Why would anyone be inspired by me?
Enough Alice...
Not to mention I'm too scared to put my stuff out there - I started presentations, blog drafts, unfinished paintings and posts. List after list, and all of the plans.
No action.
ALICE....
I see this is going nowhere today - I guess I'll give myself some grace, have a hot shower and listen to my favorite playlist.
I know if you're reading you'd expect the happy ending or resolution.
But that's not how mental illness works, its not always a simple solution or fix.
Sometimes you need to ride out the wave, do what you can to manage and go from there.
xo
Danielle
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